The need to succeed

This is going to be a bit of a personal post. It's also a bit of a look inside how my thinking is.

I believe a few posts ago i mentioned i have a desire to prove myself and today i'm elaborating on that so here goes.

For as long as i could remember i've always felt i had to prove myself. in everything i do. no one has ever called me an idiot but if someone was condescending towards me sometimes i feel like an idiot whether they were joking or not. Its their fault its my fault i take it the wrong way or i let it stay in my mind and of course the enemy is not going to pass up the opportunity to make me feel stupid.

I see how smart my other family members and feel i need to out do them. when i get that A grade on whatever test i may have taken i feel great. but only lasts that day. the next day i feel stupid once again. even if i got a PhD is physics i'd probable still feel i need to prove myself.

If i win something i feel great like i just conquered a mountain. but when i fail i feel like crud like an idiot. i have to succeed i need to succeed. i hate that part about myself i don't feel like i'm good enough.

not good enough to meet a girl and lord willing get married. not good enough to get good grades. not a good enough writer, and many other things that i'm sure i could think of if i had the time.

Oh lord take this burden that has been plaguing my life away. I ask God that alot. perhaps he wants me to fight my way out of it. in which case God your a big meanie.

Anyhoo just felt like writing that tootles.